Three years later and I still experience grief bursts. Apparently, that’s normal, it’s okay for me to have them.

Last weekend, my twin sister’s daughter-in-law, Jacki, and granddaughter, Jaylynn, drove up from Virginia to spend the weekend with them in upstate New York. My twin, Jeanne, was so excited to have them home for a couple days. I asked her to send lots of pictures and videos. Her granddaughter is almost 2 years old and just precious.

Jeanne sent pictures of Jaylynn glancing over a little gate to look at the flowers in the flower garden. A picture of her “talking” on a calculator to me, her Aunt Jojo. I watched a video of Jaylynn’s Papa, Jeanne’s husband, Stew, chasing Jaylynn around the back yard, playing with Papa at the coffee table as she sung a little song. I watched as Jaylynn climbed up into a rocking chair, telling Jeanne’s big dog, “No. No. No!” as he got too close to her little face to lick it. I saw a picture of them at a baseball game and read what Jeanne had written underneath the picture, “One of the umpires reminded me of Russell.” I loved getting the pictures and the videos. I was so happy that Jeanne and Stew could enjoy their precious granddaughter and Jackie.

Suddenly, as I watched Stew play with Jaylynn in the backyard, it hit me that Blake was that age. Memories came flooding back to when I played with Blake in the backyard and watched Larry play with him and Tylee. I shut my phone off, unable to hold the tears back. I rushed out to the garage crying to where my husband was working. When he asked me what was wrong, I ran to his arms and said, “Russell took so much from us!”

Apparently, anger is still able to come flooding back as well.

Again, I run to my dear Jesus who comforts me and gives me peace.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 NIV