As I walk this dark lonely terrifying path, I find my every step unsure and unsteady. Dark and foreboding. I never felt more unsteady. I don’t like this path or where it’s leading! I actually don’t even want to come out the other side. It will make their deaths true. Never has my very soul felt this empty and defeated. Such darkness has crept in.
Psalm 44:25 echoes my own heart’s cry; “For my soul is bowed down to the dust; my body clings to the ground. Arise for our help; redeem us for Your mercies sake.” (NKJV)
Sometimes I feel like I just want this grief to overtake me and conquer me altogether. What’s the point of moving on when I feel so defeated and can’t understand all the “how’s” and “whys”? This dark path represents a part of me that is now dead. A death of who I was. Russell’s mom, Shawna’s mother-in-law, Tylee and Blake’s Nana and all that each of these roles played in my life. Before June 21, 2015, I laughed easily with a deep belly laugh over the silliest things. Happiness came without restraint. So much to be happy and excited about! Being happy and loving life came naturally! Like snow in winter. Activities that I once loved doing, died. The holidays that I couldn’t wait to celebrate, died.
I look in the mirror and see the eyes of someone who’s been crying through the night. Someone’s complexion is pale. She looks like she isn’t sleeping. She looks like someone who is GRIEVING.
This is an exhausting place to be. I don’t really want to stay on this dark path. I am still alive and I keep reminding myself that I still have a lot to live for. But, I know that I have to walk this path of grief. I have to come to terms with losing my family. I think about the tragedy that happened. It was horrific. Senseless. There are no answers, so I have to stop looking for them. Walking this path is a healthy way to grieve. So, I keep going. But I’m not alone. I couldn’t do this alone.
Jesus is still at my side. He never leaves me. I will come out the other side stronger. I can’t change what happened, but I can ask God to turn it around for good. Beauty from ashes. This will give me hope.
Psalm 42:8 tells me that, “The lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime. And in the night His song shall be with me; A prayer to the God of my life.”
My soul cries out for Jesus. He is what my soul thirsts for. He will take away all my fears that haunt me. I turn to His Word for healing, peace and His promises that I know I will find there; just for me. He will take away all my fears that haunt me. His Word brings life to my soul again and again.
I ask Jesus to illuminate this dark path. I know I have to travel down this road. There is no short-cut if I want to grieve in a healthy way. Again, I pray; “Oh, send out Your light and Your truth! Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your tabernacle.” Psalm 43:3 (NKJB)
Jesus casts away the shadows and shines the life of His glory all around me. It causes me to praise Him even in my most horrible suffering. Praising Him protects me from the evil one, who would like nothing better than to see me fall apart, blame God and have no hope.
BUT GOD tells me that “He will never leave me, nor forsake me. So, I may boldly say; “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man, (or our enemy) do to me.” Hebrews 13:5-5 (NKJV) (Italics mine.)