It’s September. Still the weeks and months pass. It is unrelenting; this thing called time. Our lives have been torn apart and put on hold since June 21st, 2015. Why should time get to keep moving forward when I can’t and don’t want to? Grief just keeps its ebb and flow in my life. It flits in and out at any given time it wants to.  I understand the purpose of grief, but grieving is exhausting. It takes so much out of me. And any thought, activity, or memory can bring on grief so strongly and bring me to my knees in heart wrenching sobs.  

In my grief, I often ponder about the great loss we experienced. Not being able to wrap my head around such a horrific tragedy, I desperately want to change the events that led up to the death of our family and then it won’t be true. Time can then move forward.

These emotions of grief hit hard and unexpectedly. I try to be patient with myself and work through each grief burst. I realize that this grief will never “end”. It can’t. Too much has been taken away in a most shocking and horrifying way. I know the grief will change somehow in its degree of pain, eventually, but it will never end. I can’t do this alone. It’s too daunting.

Once again, I turn to the One who knows, who understands. I turn to God and His promises to find hope, comfort and peace.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4, ESV)

I will not grieve like people who have no hope.” (1Thess. 4:13 ESV) (Italics mine.)

HOPE. Hope in knowing that even a tragedy such as the deaths of my dear family, won’t get the best of me. Hope in knowing that my God will somehow bring good out of the worst possible tragedy. Hope in knowing that I will see my loved ones again and will be with them for all eternity. Hope in knowing the goodness of God, and that He is still good and trustworthy. I have in my spirit HOPE for my future, for the here and now, and for eternity, that fills my heart with joy. Even when my heart breaks once again, the peace and joy that God gives will never fade.

Hope, such as this will bring me peace. An inner peace that comes from God alone. I thank God for this peace He so willingly bestows upon me. Without it I could not go on. I will never be able to “wrap my head around it.” I will never be able to “go back” and change the events that led up to such a tragedy, and I will never be able to bring my dear family back to me.

Where would I be without my Lord, my Savior, my loving Father? I can go on because of Him. I can face my tomorrow and the grief it will surely bring, again.