I never saw grief as my enemy or a sign that I was weak. It sounds strange but I welcomed grief. Grief is the cost of loving and loosing. I loved four very precious people and I lost four very precious people.
Grieving their loss keeps them close to me. It’s hard to put into words. I can’t explain it. Never a moment goes by that I don’t think of them and grieve that they aren’t here with me anymore. I don’t want the grieving to stop. I don’t care what others think. Some feel I should already be moving on. Move on to what?
Life is one loss after another. One difficulty after another. A split second of calm before yet another storm.
But no other loss, difficulty, or storm will ever be as painful as the death of Russell, Shawna, Tylee and Blake!
Its futile to talk about it because there are not words to express the depth of grief I am experiencing. All I want to do is scream out in agony! That’s a language that everyone understands!
As I continue to stay in the arms of Jesus I find comfort because He is the only One Who truly understands. He created me. He knows me intimately. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my personality, my experiences in life. He knows my grief and completely understands my shattered heart.
God saw me before I was even born. Every single day of my life was recorded in His Book of Life. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (Psalm 139:1,14,16, NLT) Is it any wonder why then, that all I want is to remain in His arms? All I want is to stay close to Larry and Rhonda. We “get it!” We understand each other’s grief and we don’t judge each other and we don’t have an unrealistic deadline or specific time table on how long each other should grieve. We don’t judge the way each other grieves.
I for one will hang on to this grief indefinitely. Only a few weeks have passed and I miss them beyond words. It scares me. What will it be like six months from now?
How deeply grief runs. But God gives me hope. When my heart is breaking, I choose to put my hope and trust in the Lord. I can’t do this without Him.
“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord” (Psalm 31:24)