The First Few Months.” Post 5
Pain and grief. Such companions! They are my companions. Unwelcomed companions because of the reason they have become so. Life has continued around me. Time has become my enemy because it takes me farther and farther away from where I want to be! Where I desperately need to be! Which is, of course, the last time I saw my loved ones. I was told that times heals all wounds! I hated hearing that! It would never heal. A broken bone heals. A cut heals. A child’s “boo-boo” heals! A heart that has been smashed into tiny little pieces like mine will never heal! I thought, “How dare time keeps moving forward! How dare people go back to work, and the mail keeps coming. How dare the moon comes up and the sun goes down!
O, my God, I run to You once again! Our family members who flew out here to be with us are leaving one by one! Don’t they know I still need them? They sat by my side and held me. Made me laugh unexpectedly. Prayed with me. Cried with me. I still need them!”
BUT GOD tells me I am not alone. John 16:32, “I am not alone, for my Father is with me.” Psalm 62: 1, 5, 9, “For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
I’m told I’ll have to figure out what my “new normal” is. I don’t know that I like that phrase. I know what it implies, but I don’t like it. Nothing will be “normal” again for me! I don’t want time to go on without them! All that is normal for me is waking up every morning thinking about them and missing them. All day long I think about them. I go to sleep thinking about them. THAT’S my “new normal!”
I don’t want to stop thinking about what happened. If I find my “new normal” I’m terrified that they will be forgotten! I’m angry that life continues its unrelenting pace. How can summer so quickly turn to Autumn? How can people laugh when my heart is broken? I’m still trying to filter through the shock of what happened and the horrible and frightening fear and realization that I’ll never see them again. My head knows they are gone, but my heart won’t give in to the reality of such a complete and final loss! This denial blocks out the unthinkable, but it brings with it the fear of the unknown, which is the reality of what happened! There is no escaping the pain of loss! It feels unrelenting and persistent. Psalm 119:28 speaks the cry of my heart; “I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow.”