Coping with Grief Post 2
I found grief to be disorderly, disruptive, and distorting. My grief was so profound and rooted so deeply into the very fabric of my being. It was who I’d become. Grief wasn’t a straight line getting me from point A to point B, slow and steady, and that would be the end of it. It was a line that had no rhyme or reason. Circles of confusion. Spirals spinning downward so fast and out of control. Jagged lines, smooth at first, then a sharp point that pierced my heart.
Even when a second in time left me feeling like that intense pain had left me and there was a sigh of relief, it quickly left me because I felt guilty that I felt relief. I feared the relief would cause me to forget. In truth, I let that feeling of relief linger for only a moment only to wish it away. I wasn’t ready yet to feel relief. A fleeting smile would cross my face and I’d say, “Don’t you dare. Whatever caused that smile to come had to go. I don’t want it here! It wasn’t welcome!”
Grief is disruptive because when I wanted to get outside for a breath of fresh air, a decision had to be made. Or the phone would ring and I’d be asked if I was up to talking. I’d search for an answer and took too long to find it. I’d forgotten what I was about to do so I went and sat on the couch.
Grief is distorting because time is passing by too quickly. In my mind, its June 20th and I’m sitting in the living room with Russell, Tylee, Blake and my sister Jeanne. Russell is showing us pictures of New York City and the Major-League Baseball trip he and his father just returned from. Tylee is coloring. Blake is hiding Tylee’s shoe behind the chair I’m sitting in. I re-live the conversations. I replay the video in my head. I see that Russell’s wedding band is not on his finger. My mind’s eye lingers there. “Why is it gone?”
In the next instance, its August and I’m being told by my boss that I don’t need to be back at work. Take all the time I need. I think, “School is going to start? It can’t be August yet. What happened to July?” I can’t imagine going back to work. I still haven’t figured out why four members of my family are gone!
“My heart is severely pained within me, and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me.”
BUT, “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.” Psalm 56:3