My Personal Journal: First Few Months Post# 4
I feel so weak from this great grieving. My emotions are wavering, vulnerable. I have no energy. Our families who flew out to be with us are flying back home, one-by-one. I am missing them already. They are a blessing to us. I’m not ready to see them go. They brought such comfort and a few giggles. The house is getting too quiet now. My twin is still here. Her husband, son and daughter-in-law have already left. I’m so thankful she is still with me.
Larry thinks it may be a good idea if I fly back to New York and stay with my sister for just a few days. He tells me I can come home any time I want if I’m finding it too hard to be away. My dear Rhonda is visibly upset that I may go. (She told me later that she was upset because she thought I should have stayed. She needed me here with her!) I felt the same and yet Larry felt it would be good for me to go. I don’t know what to do. My dear twin is grieving just as much as we are. I should go with her and we could be a comfort to each other for a while. But my home is my comfort zone. I have Larry, Rhonda, dear neighbors and friends here. I have my pictures and my “comfort blanket” my dear friend, Anne, gave me. I feel I’m being pushed along and without much effort. Somebody just tell me the best thing to do! Then, Larry hands my tickets to me and Jeanne, my twin, is helping me pack.
I don’t want to go. No one back in New York really knows or understands what happened. Maybe a few close friends of Jeanne’s. But they didn’t know my son Russell, Shawna, Tylee and Blake. And the last thing I want to do is see anyone and try to be social. Jeanne assures me that we will just stay home and rest. Just the two of us. I want to see my older sister, Maureen. That’s it! Too much LIFE going on “out there” and I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’m silently hoping that Larry’s brother and sisters who live in the area come to where I am staying to see me. Please, don’t ask me to come to you.
O, my Jesus! You are my hiding place and it is to You I run and find my peace and strength. You surround me with love and songs of deliverance. I know You will instruct me in the way I should go. You will counsel me. Your eyes are upon me, to help me in my greatest agony. I trust You. (Psalm 32)