My Personal Journal: First Few months Post # 3
When will this nightmare end God? Any minute my son and Shawna will come flying in the front door with Tylee and Blake in tow. Tylee will be dressed up just beautifully. She is such a girlie girl. She’ll come running up the stairs towards her Nana, and wrap her little arms around my neck as I bend down to give her a hug. Little Blake will be in his Daddy’s arms, cautiously looking around. He is looking for his Papa. There’s Shawna, Diaper bag slung across her shoulder. My Russell smiles that amazing smile and says, “What’s up?” I hug him tightly and wonder if he truly knows how very much I love him, and how glad that they have come for a visit. My grieving heart realizes this scenario will never happen again.
I grieve for all the visits that will never happen. I grieve for all the hugs I’ll never get from Tylee again and for watching Blake excited to see his Papa. I grieve for the lost conversations Shawna and I would have shared.
But GOD….., in You I fully put my trust and seek you. What else do I have but you? When I think about the reality of what we have lost, every aspect of my life is null and void. It’s too much! There is nothing for me to hold on to, to steady my steps except You, Lord. In Your arms, I’m safe. In Your arms, I find comfort. Lord, sometimes I ask You to please draw me out of this pit of deep grief and sadness. Other times I don’t want to let go of my grief and sadness yet. I want to feel this agony in my heart because it has been my companion all these weeks. If I let go, I’m frightened that I’ll feel nothing at all! I am thankful, Jesus, that You have taken note of our affliction. My eyes are weary from crying. Yet You have bottled all our tears. O, Jesus, grant me courage, peace, hope and strength for the days and months to come. Amen