It’s August. What happened to July? I have been feeling frightened the last few days. I am fearful that a day will come when I won’t be able to remember their faces. I am constantly looking at their pictures. I want their images burned into my brain. I can’t forget! I remember when my parents passed away. Within the first year I couldn’t remember their faces, but it didn’t bother me too much. They were my parents! I loved them with all my heart. Their passing was a “natural order”. But this! I was supposed to have a future with my son and grandchildren. I was supposed to watch them grow up and achieve their dreams and all their milestones in life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this! The future appears to be so unbearably empty.
My head accepts that they are gone. But my heart says it can’t be true! It isn’t true. My heart will not give in to the reality of what my head knows to be true. This denial blocks out the unthinkable. It blocks out the reality of what happened. And I am grateful for it.
I’m told in time I will figure out what my “new normal” is. I don’t want to figure out what my new normal is. If things get to this “new normal” I feel my loved ones will be forgotten. I won’t let that happen. I’m angry that life continues its unrelenting pace –coming and going- coming and going. How can summer turn so quickly to autumn? I haven’t filtered through the shock of what happened and the horrible and frightening fear and realization that I’ll never see them again.
I’m told that in time this intense pain will be left behind and I will feel relief. I scream back in reply that I don’t want to have this intense pain leave! I want to hold onto it. It’s keeping me alive. It’s keeping them alive. It doesn’t make sense but I want to hang on to it because someone will eventually come and tell me that it didn’t happen! I want to be able to say to my loved ones, “I knew it wasn’t true! I knew you would come back to me.”
I need a quiet place to be with God. I love the way God just holds me. No words are spoken. No words of a new normal, or “in time this will happen or that will happen.” Just peace and quiet. A stillness that I can’t find anywhere else. Sitting with God is like being with a friend who takes one look at you and knows immediately what you need. A soft yet secure hug. A quiet embrace. A peaceful sigh escapes my mouth. I am safe in His arms. Without any words, I sense He is telling me, that “He cares for me”, (1Peter 5:7) and “He will strengthen my heart”. (Psalm 31:24)