Suddenly, without any warning, four faces were missing. Gone forever! My mind tells me it’s true, but my heart will not accept it. Then my mind, for a few brief seconds, tells me to call Russell or Shawna to tell them something. My mind tells me to get Tylee and Blake and take them to the park. But then, realizing I will never be able to do that again frightens me beyond belief because it’s so permanent and for the rest of my life. Here, without them. Every day I feel like I’m being pushed out of bed and pressed into another day. I can’t stop another day, minute or second from passing so I can get my bearings. I need to stop and figure out what I do now! The unknown scares me so bad! It isn’t right that these days just keep coming and going! Here it is August, (2015) and I don’t remember anything of July! I’m stuck in June! I want to stay there! I want to go back to that terrible day and make some sort of sense of what happened and why it happened!
I keep fighting against time moving forward. I fight against what I do not comprehend and never will. This fighting is wearing me out. I fight to understand. Grieving is so tiring and I’m no closer to any answers.
Grieving is a process; I keep telling myself. There is no time frame. So, I have decided to take it easy on myself.
I regroup and journal. This helps me to slow my thoughts down. Someone told me that he was told that I needed to get over it and move on. Don’t EVER say that to someone who is grieving! I wasn’t supposed to bury my child, let alone two grandchildren, and my daughter-in-law! It wasn’t a parent I put in the ground! The natural order of things! It was a whole family unit! MY family!
This pain in my heart is never going to go away, and it is necessary to go through this process. But, eventually, the pain won’t control me in the ways it is now.
Knowing Jesus and His comfort does not take away the heartache, but it sustains me through it and for that I am so grateful. Until I get home to heaven, the pain will always be there. But for now, so early on in my grieving, I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to put my grieving on a timeline. I know God will comfort me and support me.
So, I say again to myself, “Go easy on yourself. One second at a time.” Still, I pray as David did, “I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief.” Psalm 6:6-7